I was a pretty big bitch last night, and while I maintain my embarrassment over the whole thing, I still want to vent what helped put me there.
Yesterday, my mom found some pictures. The one that happened to be on top of the thick pile was of me and my brother, him 14 or 15 years old and me 12. I'm now 25 and it has been about two years since he told me via text message that he never wanted to see or hear from me again. Seeing me with my arms around his neck... there's no proper way to explain it.
I was already upset from feeling isolated from my friends. My closest chick friend is allowing her entire life to be dictated by a selfish boyfriend, and I see her but a couple of times a month now. With these feelings fresh in my heart, I decided to let myself cry hard for a while as my mom was talking on the phone in the other room. After a while, she had stopped talking and I had gotten to the point that I needed a tissue, so I went into the kitchen to fetch some.
"Oh, your sister just called and her boyfriend proposed." My mom was lying on the couch as she casually launched into an explanation of their romantic dinner and how he presented her with a bouquet of roses and dropped down on one knee. I was happy... but in a very hollow, anti-climactic way. Again, it is hard to explain. It was like I desperately WANTED to be happy, excited, jumping up and down... but there was no sentimentality of being told by my mom like she was telling me about bumping into an old friend at the grocery store. She didn't seem to think anything of it when I quietly walked away again.
I cried some more. Hard. The pain was something like nothing I had felt since I had my heart broken for the first time. A moment I had looked forward to my whole life felt like it had been taken away. But not only that... did my sister not want to tell me herself? Did it not occur to her that I would want to hear it in her own, tear-strained voice? I know she moved across an ocean from me, but no matter what... I would have wanted to feel like I was a part of this time in her life. Like she wanted me to be excited with her. But I didn't register.... I realize this is all childish, selfish thinking and I should be happy for her and of course she wasn't thinking about me... but if I had gotten engaged, I wouldn't have been able to wait until I could tell her. I would want a moment with each and every one of my friends (which now feels like zero) to tell them personally, face to face. I would want my sister to be a part of that time of my life.
My brother got married for the third time this year. I've never met that girl. I didn't know when the wedding was going to be, but I expected that.
I used to think, perhaps optimistically, that having much of my family (my brother and my dad) turn their backs on me didn't make me less likely to trust people or more likely to think everyone would leave me... it made me see everybody, relative or not, as somebody just as close to me as family. But I guess I was giving myself too much credit. I still want my family to be closer to me than they are, than they ever may be again. I want people to want to include me the way I want to include them. As much as I'd like to be a martyr for my friends and family, to give my heart and my time in any way and expect nothing back... I apparently do feel entitled to something in return. I am still not good enough to give without expectations.
I am a selfish giver, and to be that way is nothing but pain.
My mom caught me crying and I explained to her what had happened from my perspective and how much it had hurt me. As with just about any time I actually decide to share my feelings, I felt guilt. Especially when she herself was crying later, apologizing for what had happened and blaming herself. I assured her that I knew I was being childish and selfish for being upset and begged her not to worry about it. I wish I had better mastery of keeping things to myself since they so often pass.
Life is full of perceived injustices, I feel like of all people I should know that. I've suffered all kinds, real and imaginary. I want to brush things off and keep going, to not let bad feelings change who I am for any amount of time. I wish I could truly let go of myself and just live for other people, being content to be out of the way when necessary or wanted. It's just hard when I want so badly for other people to be in my life, and when "everyone I know goes away in the end."
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