I find it so baffling and gorgeous how any person is so stupid and so smart at the same time. It's like we really are all children. We have such a great capacity for learning and growth so far beyond ourselves... but we only have that capacity by lacking.
It has been a while since I've blogged, and the humiliation of recording thoughts is coming back to me in a rush. Nobody is really reading this compared to others (even my own past blogs), but every page view can feel like another person who now thinks I'm an idiot. But then, that can be any interaction: any slip up can blemish an impression irreparably if the viewer is judgmental enough. Written word is just more permanent. We can edit and delete and pretend other intentions, but there the words sit.
Have you ever looked back on an old homework assignment, or an old AOL Instant Messenger chat you saved to Notepad when you were in high school? Is your Myspace profile still up? Those feelings of embarrassment can happen in the moment it takes to hit a Publish or Update button. That is how quickly we can learn. That is also how stupid we are (I am). Did my comedic palette really skyrocket past butt jokes so quickly that I no longer want to even be associated by some hypothetical stranger who is probably eating a Snickers while wearing underwear they bought because they didn't want to do laundry?
I convince myself "yes" and launch into a new phase to feel ashamed of in five... four... three....
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