Why I Was Such A Bitch Last Night

It's amazing how much a person can change from day to day, moment to moment, just inside their own head.  We can learn new things that completely change our understandings, beliefs, and outlooks.  Medications can mess with our emotions in terrifying and mind-bending ways.  And our moods can send us from one extreme to another at any given moment.  No man can enter the same river twice, for he is never the same man.  The same is true for this girl.

I was a pretty big bitch last night, and while I maintain my embarrassment over the whole thing, I still want to vent what helped put me there.

Yesterday, my mom found some pictures.  The one that happened to be on top of the thick pile was of me and my brother, him 14 or 15 years old and me 12.  I'm now 25 and it has been about two years since he told me via text message that he never wanted to see or hear from me again.  Seeing me with my arms around his neck... there's no proper way to explain it.

I was already upset from feeling isolated from my friends.  My closest chick friend is allowing her entire life to be dictated by a selfish boyfriend, and I see her but a couple of times a month now.  With these feelings fresh in my heart, I decided to let myself cry hard for a while as my mom was talking on the phone in the other room.  After a while, she had stopped talking and I had gotten to the point that I needed a tissue, so I went into the kitchen to fetch some.

"Oh, your sister just called and her boyfriend proposed."  My mom was lying on the couch as she casually launched into an explanation of their romantic dinner and how he presented her with a bouquet of roses and dropped down on one knee.  I was happy... but in a very hollow, anti-climactic way.  Again, it is hard to explain.  It was like I desperately WANTED to be happy, excited, jumping up and down... but there was no sentimentality of being told by my mom like she was telling me about bumping into an old friend at the grocery store.  She didn't seem to think anything of it when I quietly walked away again.

I cried some more. Hard. The pain was something like nothing I had felt since I had my heart broken for the first time.  A moment I had looked forward to my whole life felt like it had been taken away.  But not only that... did my sister not want to tell me herself?  Did it not occur to her that I would want to hear it in her own, tear-strained voice?  I know she moved across an ocean from me, but no matter what... I would have wanted to feel like I was a part of this time in her life. Like she wanted me to be excited with her.  But I didn't register.... I realize this is all childish, selfish thinking and I should be happy for her and of course she wasn't thinking about me... but if I had gotten engaged, I wouldn't have been able to wait until I could tell her.  I would want a moment with each and every one of my friends (which now feels like zero) to tell them personally, face to face. I would want my sister to be a part of that time of my life.

My brother got married for the third time this year.  I've never met that girl. I didn't know when the wedding was going to be, but I expected that.

I used to think, perhaps optimistically, that having much of my family (my brother and my dad) turn their backs on me didn't make me less likely to trust people or more likely to think everyone would leave me... it made me see everybody, relative or not, as somebody just as close to me as family.  But I guess I was giving myself too much credit.  I still want my family to be closer to me than they are, than they ever may be again.  I want people to want to include me the way I want to include them.  As much as I'd like to be a martyr for my friends and family, to give my heart and my time in any way and expect nothing back... I apparently do feel entitled to something in return.  I am still not good enough to give without expectations.

I am a selfish giver, and to be that way is nothing but pain.

My mom caught me crying and I explained to her what had happened from my perspective and how much it had hurt me.  As with just about any time I actually decide to share my feelings, I felt guilt.  Especially when she herself was crying later, apologizing for what had happened and blaming herself.  I assured her that I knew I was being childish and selfish for being upset and begged her not to worry about it.  I wish I had better mastery of keeping things to myself since they so often pass.

Life is full of perceived injustices, I feel like of all people I should know that.  I've suffered all kinds, real and imaginary.  I want to brush things off and keep going, to not let bad feelings change who I am for any amount of time. I wish I could truly let go of myself and just live for other people, being content to be out of the way when necessary or wanted.  It's just hard when I want so badly for other people to be in my life, and when "everyone I know goes away in the end."

Infinite Capacity

I find it so baffling and gorgeous how any person is so stupid and so smart at the same time.  It's like we really are all children.  We have such a great capacity for learning and growth so far beyond ourselves... but we only have that capacity by lacking. 

It has been a while since I've blogged, and the humiliation of recording thoughts is coming back to me in a rush. Nobody is really reading this compared to others (even my own past blogs), but every page view can feel like another person who now thinks I'm an idiot. But then, that can be any interaction: any slip up can blemish an impression irreparably if the viewer is judgmental enough.  Written word is just more permanent.  We can edit and delete and pretend other intentions, but there the words sit.

Have you ever looked back on an old homework assignment, or an old AOL Instant Messenger chat you saved to Notepad when you were in high school?  Is your Myspace profile still up?  Those feelings of embarrassment can happen in the moment it takes to hit a Publish or Update button. That is how quickly we can learn. That is also how stupid we are (I am). Did my comedic palette really skyrocket past butt jokes so quickly that I no longer want to even be associated by some hypothetical stranger who is probably eating a Snickers while wearing underwear they bought because they didn't want to do laundry?

I convince myself "yes" and launch into a new phase to feel ashamed of in five... four... three....

The New Golden Rule

Something that I've noticed about people my age is that everybody seems to subscribe to this new rule of treating people how they "ask" to be treated.

"Be cool to me and I'll be cool to you."
"... but I'll stand up for myself if I have to!"
"I don't take shit from anybody."

All varieties of phrases that suggest that if this person isn't treating you well, it's because of something you did yourself and it is out of their control.

Our parents told us, "Treat others the way you would like to be treated."

We responded, "Treat others the way I think they are treating me."

I see a lot of problems with this. To me, it seems less a natural sense of justice and more a decision of laziness.  People who I've heard say things like those I listed above seem to think they are just being logical and fair.  Every action gets an equal reaction.  But it also happens to be a lot easier to let somebody's attitude effect yours than to keep your cool, and a lot harder to treat people well when you plain just don't like them.  Make up a transgression a person made against you and you have a blank check to be intolerant and show them the door (or passive-aggressive sass).

This attitude also gives a lot of power to the holder.  Suddenly we have the right to interpret another human's actions, and there's no requirement to give the benefit of the doubt.  If somebody treats you badly because they had a moment where they were low or did not know how they were coming off, you have authority to assume the worst and perpetuate negativity by being an ass to them.  "You don't know me!"  yet you think you know them?

For me, the most basic flaw is a humanitarian one. If you treat people how they ask to be treated, you are going to keep people down who need lifting back up. "Sluts" are often that way because the world at large has treated them as such from the start. People who are hurting are often prickly and defensive because they have been taught to distrust and fear. Treating everybody the same, and well at that truly puts everyone on an even field and empowers everyone. Yes, we will be let down and disappointed at every turn, but at least we give someone a chance instead of shutting them down before they start.

The Golden Rule still seems to be a good shortcut to being a decent human being.  Barring any mental illness or masochistic tendencies, most people tend to want to be treated with respect and kindness. It's not a perfect system because no person is perfect, but it seems simpler to me, and I'm finding simplicity more and more attractive (and elusive) with time.

People are always on Facebook spouting the kind of personal philosophies you'd hear grunted by a cocky reality show contestant.  I am not ready for the real world to feel like The Real World.