"Remember when you broke Soandso's heart?"
It was asked as a joke, but it's not a joke I ever find funny. Even though it's true that a fair number of our mutual male acquaintances have asked me out, being reminded of times I've disappointed people isn't one of my favorite things. Some people are happy to play the field, but I'm a type who -if she's so much as kissed someone- feels it's inappropriate to put more people's feelings on the line. Also, it's hard to want more options when it feels like a lot of those options just want to get in your pants.
Anyway, I wound up by myself at a table with two beers and a sampler platter with two sides of veggies. Behind me, some fat white guy was drunk and shouting a story about (allegedly) getting hit on by a "fag". In front of me, MLB played alongside little league baseball. At times an adult batter would walk up to bat alongside a young player and it felt weirdly significant. There was a beauty to it, minus the guy behind me. He was just irritating.
When I found myself in the position of having to either drink twice the beer I had anticipated or letting some go to waste, I drank twice the beer I anticipated and walked across the street to sober up. A poor mood and an upcoming weekend seemed like good enough justification for a pair of shoes... and an outfit to go with the shoes. Dresses felt right, and I tried on a frustrating number of short dresses there were really more like shirts. I bought two and I still fear that both might be too short for actual wearing. My mom hated everything I bought.
With the moodswings, my mood is worst in the evenings. A whole day of events and brooding come to roost in my mind and I have no consoling ears or arms to come home to. I think a big part of why I feel backed up was that I allowed myself to come to count on nightly phone calls and the like. That's not my life now, and a lot of people do more with even less and even greater problems than eating alone and sadness-shopping. Other people don't have their feelings hurt when their mom hates their new pair of shoes.
Sometimes you can be in a really dark place and wonder what the point is in being if you have to be in the dark. But sometimes your dark will be somebody else's light. Even if your mood is awful, the rest of your life can be going well enough that when an emergency arises and your friend has to rush off, you can cover the full tab (and drink all the beers) without even thinking about it. You can accidentally do a small thing that means a lot and not realize it.
And sometimes you get bonus beer in the process.
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