Some Clumsy Analogies and a Trampoline and Almost Dostoyevsky

During a recent conversation, a confidant expressed that he was "impressed" with how willing I am to be open and emotionally vulnerable despite what being that way has gotten me into in the past.

"What if I'm just stupid?" I asked, half teasingly and half seriously. And he said:

"Hope is never stupid."

Hope honestly didn't feel like quite the right word at the time, but the more I think of it, the more maybe it could be.

When something happens, when I'm reminded of cuts I've suffered from other people, I stop and consider how even with the best of intentions, even I have hurt people. Throw in emotional compromise, and we are all just kids playing with each other in the dark. And sometimes we are playing with matches. And sometimes we don't know it but the room we are in is rigged with explosives. And also we're on a boat or something. Sometimes even when the game is called, one kid is waiting to play Hide and Seek ("One marshmallow, two marshmallow, three marshmallow...") while another is ready to Ninja Turtle kick him in the back of the head. Because while we are all still children, some are admittedly kind of assholes.

But usually we don't even call the game. We are just poking around making asses of ourselves and each other. Some will agree to one game but play another. Sometimes people just pick up their ball and go home. Ever play a game of Hide and Seek where another player just straight up stopped playing when they were supposed to be looking for you? How long did you wait, and how bad did it feel when they said, "Oh, I stopped looking an hour ago"?

Anyway, that's enough of the playdate analogies. Basically, we all do stupid, harmful stuff all the time. Do we always mean it as badly as it is taken? Hopefully not. Sometimes the game changes without us knowing, or we lose an important piece. Perhaps it is more of a coping mechanism than a philosophy, but I am able to be "thrown away and the bin set on fire" and still somehow be the one who is happiest with the outcome of that game of Burn Can. Because I was taught how to play nice, I have other kids I can go play with.

And that is where the hope is, in a roundabout sort of way. Hope and faith in people and their intentions. I didn't mean to hurt the people I have, so maybe they didn't mean to hurt me. Do some of them even know? There are people in the world I would like to apologize to and don't know how, so I haven't. Maybe somebody feels that way about me.

We all play differently, and some play rough. But the kids who are scared and who insist on making all the rules are no fun. I want to be fun to play with because damn it, I want to play! Just not with that pyro kid any more. Set me on fire once, shame on you....

Anyway, you also won't know what cool kids are up the street who have a freakin trampoline if you don't make yourself available to them. And I suppose that is a sort of hope, too.