Bullet Time

Over a year ago, a week happened where I knew I had a tumor (and a cut on my breast) but didn't know if I had cancer or not, and it was the longest week of my life to that point. Well, something changed that week, because ever since then I have been living in what feels like "bullet time" from the Matrix.

Every day feels long. Mondays are a tough transition out of a long weekend like getting back into the swing of school after summer break. Waking up in the middle of the night is a sentence to lie awake for days. I can barely listen to any music that doesn't have a frantic "bootsandpantsandbootsandpants" rhythm or bitching guitars because anything else will be boring. Misplace something? Enjoy the Tolkien-esque quest for the bra you don't remember throwing on the spare bed before somehow covering it with your "bar jacket". It's like riding on a bus that's traveling slower than you would walk.

Because I know any task I take on will seem like it's taking way longer, I have been dreading things like doing my taxes or the loss reports at work. I know that same satisfaction of a job well done is waiting there, but I see what looks like a big, dumb, boring hill I have to climb first. It's not that I feel like I can get more things done in an extra long day... it's like I know everything is going to take forever, so I've been avoiding it.

For the last couple of weeks I have been actually trying to be productive, so I'm more aware of this caveat to my "bullet time" power than ever. It doesn't help that the tasks I set ahead of myself are big and gradual anyway. Epic closet overhaul, the always-vague resolution to "be more active", finally reading that book that was recommended to me... nothing I can finish in an hour that feels like three. But I'm determined to do them and hope that since the frustration has been so great, the results will feel even grander. Nothing good ever came easy, and if these things are going to feel way worse to do than they ever should, maybe that means there's also a disproportionate amount of satisfaction waiting on the other side.

In the meantime it feels like doing the worm in slow-motion to climb the side of a big, dumb, boring hill.